Sometimes I miss this particular version of me from one year ago.
From 14th may onwards, the guy who started happy mornings club.
Here are some highlights of that guy.
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He was between switching careers, so didn't care about work as much, and wasn't 'supposed' to do much. He was still doing things, but much more carefree.
- Unfortunately due to the law of inversion (alan watts) I can't worry about being worry-free. So I just have to learn to let go nowadays.
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He had a strong network of close relationships and friends. Not like a ton, but enough for him. And there was regular love exchanged there.
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He was the brightest ball of light in the room. He loved people, and yes he expected things, unknowingly, but he loved them, he believed in them.
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He could notice things like the wind's temperature changing pleasantly when you step out of the metro. And appreciate it, and fall in love with it.
This guy catapoulted his life into living on-the-go for what was the next 2-3 months, while it wasn't truly backpacking backpacking, it still counted in his life's journey.
Somewhere, somehow, amidst 'life happening', he got lost again, and more so, got a little scared off by the pessimistically realistic interpretation of life that his self unfortunately adopted.
From that point on, everything has been about figuring out how to get him back.
Oh yeah, he felt things.
I feel like (wow irony) that I've stopped feeling things.
Like the faculty of putting an emotionally tinted glass over any experience has been severely nerfed in order to save the kid soul from damage.
I've stopped falling in love with things.
That's why I don't remember things I guess, coz I kinda don't care anymore, do whatever, be whatever.
I know words are very powerful and as I write these words I set forward the narrative of the separation that has come from that self and my current self.
Maybe that'll make it harder to go back there, but maybe being damn honest with myself will increase the urgency of going back and living life like him.
I guess he's scared somewhere in there, holding onto this notion that if he loves he'll get hurt. Maybe he feels like he can't afford more payment of the heart only to get broken.
gotta bring him back.
I know I will.
and then we'll move mountains.